Dancing Through Breast Cancer

Aol video about my frizzy hair!

2010-12-13T20:43:00.001-08:00

Why can't my hot flashes thaw out my frozen shoulder?

2010-09-18T18:47:00.001-07:00

I haven't put a health update out there for a while now, so I thought it was time. My last surgery (to remove my right tissue expander) was 6 weeks ago now (Aug. 4th), and I'm recovering nicely. My doctor wants me to "heal" for several months before he puts it back in… so my next scheduled surgery is January 19, 2011 to replace the expander. After that, I will have 8-10 weeks of saline fills, and then (maybe April?) a final surgery to replace the expanders with breast implants.

Meanwhile, I struggle with continuous left shoulder pain which started in June.

Turns out I have FROZEN SHOULDER… I was moving through the stages of it all summer without really realizing what it was. My August 4th surgery had set me back, and my shoulder seemed to get worse... likely from inactivity during recovery.

After weeks of trying alot of different things (herbs, chiropractic, acupuncture, massage, creams, supplements, ice, heat, exercises, etc.), with no improvement, I finally got approved for a CAT Scan which I had on Sept. 3rd. This showed NO tear in the rotator cuff; but a partial separation of the posterior labrum. What do you do for this? Treat it like tendonitis or bursitis, according to my Orthopedic surgeon, which only means Physical Therapy. Sigh...

All of this ultimately led to an official diagnosis from a GOOD Physical Therapist this week - definitely FS. I kept seeking help and found an awesome acupuncturist in Long Beach. I also had an excellent therapeutic massage this week in Culver City which seemed to help.

My Ortho gave me a cortisone shot on my birthday (which was 11 days ago). It didn't seem to help at first, at all. But in the last week, the pain has lessened a bit, or more specifically, I have a little more ROM (range of motion) before the pain starts. I also just started the acupuncture 2 weeks ago, so it's hard to tell exactly what's helping!

I joined a Facebook group, Frozen Shoulder Friends. Lots of experiences there. Have to take with a grain of salt, though. Apparently I fall perfectly into the demographic for FS: women, age 40-60, diabetic, and recent trauma to the body (mastectomy).

All of my medical professionals agree that I should continue dancing. Keeping the shoulder moving is the best thing for it, they say, and I do find that after a good dancing workout when I'm all sweaty and loose, I have more ROM. They said I can't really do anything to hurt it, by dancing, aside from the usual risk of actually injuring it which of course can happen to any other body part any time. I've learned which arm movements I can and can't do, and have trained myself to keep my elbow in front of my body (even during 2-step), or strictly follow my hand with my center, to avoid pain. Even when I occasionally "miss" and create pain, supposedly I can't do any damage which would delay healing; it just hurts alot.

I'm extremely motivated to work on this, as I'm committed to competing at the US Open this year (couples and a team), as well as Worlds (team). Left arm styling and leverage moves are put on hold for now. ;-)

Light at the end of the tunnel.

2010-08-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

Friday the 13th. Is it luck? Good or bad? Or do we create our own reality? At 9 days post-surgery, I think I'm finally through the worst of it. Having dug myself out of the trenches, I realize now that a fair amount of my struggles last week were mental. Unexpressed anger, perhaps? One of the grieving phases that I must've missed. Somehow I became angry at the loss of my expander (visibly, the loss of my right breast), and felt terribly guilty for having this little pity party given the fact that I am cancer free. Now that I've had a week to get used to the idea that my initial goal of being done with reconstruction by my birthday is no longer an option, I'm sort of okay with it. I'm also beginning to get used to being a one-boob gal. As long as I can see through my tears all the incredible blessings I have in my life, I can handle anything that comes my way.

The good news - I got my drain out today! Yay! I feel so free without those rubbery chains hanging off me, getting tangled up in my insulin pump tubing. And my energy is returning, which feels great. Dr. Newman said I can dance 2 weeks after surgery, which will be this coming Wednesday. So this weekend I will rest more. And don't worry, I will NOT jump into full speed dancing starting Wednesday, I promise! Maybe I'll eve take an extra week or two, if that's what my body tells me.

A few friends have told me they are of the opinion that the infections may have happened as a result of me pushing too hard too soon after my original surgery. I respect and appreciate those opinions, and have done a tremendous amount of soul searching in this regard. Believe me, I don't want to jeopardize my health in any way. Yet I ask that you trust me. I have had training throughout my life on listening to my body's signals. I know how to bank energy bursts. Unfortunately it's not a perfect science; there's no exact recipe for how much to push it. Laying in bed all the time is unhealthy; a little exercise and light dancing to bring out those powerful healing endorphins is a good thing. OTOH, hours and hours of grueling dance practices is NOT! Knowing when and how much, is the key…the goal is to find the happy medium, and that's not easy. Perhaps I erred on the side of too much. And yet I have no regrets. I may have gotten the infections anyway, according to my doctors. There is truly no known cause. Statistically it's my diabetes. But I am not a statistic; I am me.

So what now? My PS doesn't want to put in another expander for at least 3 months... let things heal and get stronger. That puts me into mid-November which is the US Open, and then Worlds … so we agreed to wait till January, and I'll wear a prosthesis until then. I have an appointment to get fitted for one on Monday.

As I sit here on Friday night, the 13th of August, watching the live stream to the Palm Springs Summer Dance Camp where Rachel and so many of my friends are this weekend, I am at peace. Dance is my passion. It gets my juices flowing, just seeing my friends through the webcam, and watching the comps. Yet I know that dancing will be there for me when my body has had enough rest and healing time. In the meantime, I am watching. If you're at the event right now, know that I'm watching you and cheering you on!

Well, I still have ONE good breast left.

2010-08-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

August 6, 2010 11:00pm

I lost my expander. The infection progressed rapidly. I saw Dr. Rand on Tuesday at 2pm, and he put me right in the hospital again. Then it was confirmed; I will have to have my expander removed on Wed. at 3:00 by Dr. Spenler (because MY surgeon, Dr. Newman, is away on vacation). As the hours passed, it became more red and inflamed, and started hurting. I overheard Dr. Rand say to Dr. Spenler on the phone, "exploding breast". I do believe if we'd waited much longer it would have burst.

The morning of surgery, Wed. 8/4, they aspirated some fluid (ultrasound guided) and it turned out to be fungal! The doctors said this was unusual for a breast infection; not bacterial, but fungal. This meant the antibiotics they'd been giving me were wrong. Now I'm on an oral anti-fungal, thankfully no more infusion center... at least for now.

Surgery went okay, took about an hour, under general anesthesia. My memory of events after that is pretty vague, having been on pain meds. I do remember that just before going into the OR I asked Rachel for red lipstick...

Stayed in the hospital for 2 days post surgery, and was seen by so many different doctors, I could hardly keep them straight. Trying to balance my blood sugar this whole time was so hard, even with my pump & CGM. I was told by Dr. Rand that all those antibiotics wouldn't even work if I didn't keep my blood sugars under control! So I tried very hard up until Wed... but after I realized I'd lost the battle, I thought, why bother. I felt like giving up and just wanted to eat a cupcake. Even though the real reason the antibiotics didn't work this time was because it wasn't a bacterial infection…nothing to do with my diabetes. But we had no way of knowing that.

Today, 4th and final day at the hospital, and I was crying and in pain all morning. I felt abandoned, scared and alone... all my doctors are on vacation so their partners have taken over... and they don't KNOW me at all. In many cases I wonder if the right hand knows what the left is doing. My drain site hurts just like it did last time, those last 2-3 days. I remember being told it's because of my skin, being a redhead, my skin in that area near my ribs is almost transparent, very thin and very sensitive.

At around 11:30am, the nurse came to "hang" my maxipine (antibiotic). She hooked me up to it and it hurt going in, as it did most of the time, but I tried to bite the bullet. As time went on, I noticed it was hurting a lot more… about an hour into this infusion, suddenly I noticed my arm was HARD and swollen and I couldn't bend or straighten it! I panicked and called the nurse in… the IV had infiltrated! The catheter had dislodged from my vein and the fluids had infiltrated the surrounding tissue in my arm. It was horrible! I was given a warm pack and told to elevate it. That was it.

After getting home my arm was still quite swollen and painful. I started reading things on google about the possibility of cellulitis, movement limitation and even possible amputation from IV infiltration. Then Miriam told me to stop it and go watch a movie instead. Thank God for friends like Miriam.

I had plenty to keep my mind off of this distracting complication. The emotional TRAUMA of seeing my right breast for the first time… gone. Really looking at it. I am so disfigured and terribly heartbroken by this sight of myself in the mirror. I keep trying to tell myself it's temporary. But it's so REAL. It's right here, on MY body, and so horrible looking. I'm lopsided and unbalanced. Something is missing, I feel 'wrong' somehow. What will it be like to run and spin on the dance floor now? I'm so scared for the next few months. What will Dr. Newman say about Dr. Spenler's work? He took such pride in his work on me… and now, has it been ruined? Invaded? Will he ever be able to make it right again? I know I need to trust that it will, but right now it's hard.

In many ways, this has been harder than my original mastectomy. I thought I'd won this battle; beat the odds, saved my expander in June with that first infection. I'd done so many 'right' things - alternative methods of boosting my immune system. (At least I never got a cold!) Was I blind or ignorant to think I was different? They had told me MOST of the time these expander infections end in removal. But I was determined to be different, smarter, stronger, more resilient than the rest. Not so much!

It is so incredibly disappointing that now I have to accept the fact that my reconstruction will take several more months. I may not be 'whole' by the US Open or Worlds at the end of the year. Is this the universe telling me I have to accept that, and be grateful for all of this because I'm alive and didn't need chemo?

I think that waking up from my bilateral mastectomy in April with the expanders in place, not having to see a flat chest, was reassuring and nice… but it was also kind of a deception. It made me feel almost normal. I knew they were 'fake', not real breasts, but they still made me feel mostly whole. Now I am truly faced with the brutal reality of my situation. And I feel robbed. No more hiding behind my fake boobs; I have to sit with this reality every day when I come out of the shower, for who knows how long, and it's a frightening proposition. Yet what choice do I have?

I know I will get used to it. I will do affirmations every day and look at my lost breast and learn to be thankful for my life, for medicine's advances that saved my life from a disease that 40,000 women die from each year. I will be grateful and will not take anything for granted! Yet right at this moment, I am crying. The tears just keep flowing....

Next week I will get fitted for a prosthesis and bra. No pool parties for me this summer! But that's ok, I just wanna dance...

I had felt torn about my instinctive need to take pictures the last few days. But now I'm glad I took those pictures; I have a photo journal of what happened to my right breast this last week. It's hard to look at, even for me. But it's gut-real and I must embrace it… somehow.

Next on the agenda: finding a new place on my body to wear my insulin pump.

Another bump in the road. Infection, or not? Part 2.

2010-07-31T20:39:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I noticed a very small patch of redness on my right breast, same area as the infection I had last month. On Friday it had spread a little; but I felt fine. Called the doc, went in, and was sent directly to the ER. Stayed overnight and just got home; tired, but okay. They gave me 3 rounds of IV antibiotics in the hospital, and I will need 9 more days of it. Luckily I was able to avoid having a PICC line inserted this time, and they're just using the peripheral line in my arm which has to be switched out every 3 days. I have to go to the infusion center once daily for the next 9 days.

I'll be getting one of the same antibiotics I had last time - Cubicin - which made me extremely fatigued and weak. And the weird thing is, the doctor said it might not even BE an infection! It could just be irritation or a reaction. My white blood cell count is normal, and I have no fever. But they HAVE to treat it agressively just in case it is an infection, because I have these expanders. It appears my body does not like foreign objects! He said the only possible (probable) cause would be manipulation, meaning the saline fill I got last Friday. The blood flow to the area might be compromised. Hard to say. But at least I know I did nothing to cause it. It just happens.

Anyways I'm mostly okay and hoping that in a week it'll be cleared up and then NOTHING will prevent me from getting that implant surgery on Sept. 8th!! NOTHING!! Sigh… Best laid plans, eh?

Task for the day -- setting my mind around dealing with Cubicin side effects -- fatigue, aches & pains, itching, headaches. All part of the process. Chemo would be worse! This will all be over soon enough… bump in the road… I can do this!

When you least expect it.... life is what happens...

2010-07-30T23:36:00.000-07:00

Back in the hospital with another breast infection. I started noticing redness yesterday, but a very small area. Today the redness got bigger, so I called the doc, went in, and was sent directly to the ER for another round of IV antibiotics. After 6 hours in the ER, I was admitted to Torrance Memorial where I am right now (room #416).

My doctor is out of town for a month. It's disconcerting to not have him around when this is happening. I hope and pray I can keep my 9/8 surgery date.

Implant Surgery Date Set! Sept. 8, 2010

2010-07-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

Just got the news today from my plastic surgeon's office that my surgery date of 9/8 has been approved. I will finally have the tissue expanders removed and replaced with the final implants, on the day after my 54th birthday.

Doc says to expect a 2-week recovery (probably longer for full speed dancing). This might have been scheduled sooner (in Aug.) but he is out of town the whole month of August, thus the Sept. date.

I received my last saline fill on Friday of last week, which evened me up (caught the right side up with the left). I'm still very lopsided though, (right side is much higher) but hopefully that will be fixed. These expanders are very uncomfortable; they feel like large rocks on my chest that don't move.

I'm also still struggling with pain in my left shoulder & arm, which turns out to be radial nerve compression due to the muscles pressing on the nerve.

All in all, I'm doing great, and feeling very hopeful. Soon this will be behind me. My energy is still not up to par, but it's getting better every day (as long as I don't overdo it.)

Love to you all, and thanks for reading my updates!

Rhonda

Reconstruction update - July 2, 2010

2010-07-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Talk about appreciating the little things in life. I'm so happy to report that my strength is slowly returning. Still a long way to go, but I'm feeling confident that it's only downhill from here and there will be NO more setbacks! I've been off the antibiotics for 10 days now, and feeling a little better each day. No sign of any infection coming back, and that's the way I want it to stay!

I saw the Plastic Surgeon today, and he gave me another fill! The skin seems to be stretched to it's limits... tight, heavy, achy... but it's only the first day and I'll get used to it. I'm stll lopsided, but he says he'll even me out at the next fill, in two weeks. I'm estimating that my implant surgery will be end of August, then nipples in December and areola in Feb. or March....barring any complications. Just a rough guess on those dates.

I will never again take my health for granted. Oh the things we can do when we are healthy! Grocery shop! Laundry! Cooking! Dancing! Paying bills! All the little joys in life that are so difficult when you're weak and sick. I give thanks for just having the energy to get out of bed in the morning and make it to the bathroom. I had so many days when that was a real chore.

For me, staying healthy is a full time job. Constantly monitoring my blood glucose 24/7, I am also doing everything in my power to boost my immune system to ward off infection. Rest and hydration. Healthy eating and supplements. H202 therapy and homeopathics. Physical therapy, meditation, massage, hypnosis. And dance is my exercise, but of course, in moderation for now. I want to try acupuncture but my insurance doesn't cover it. My whole focus these days is on my health, and if that's the way it has to be, it's okay with me.

I had an interesting hypnosis session today. He put me into a very deep, relaxed state, and then asked me to describe what I was experiencing. I had this song playing in my head, Viva la Vida by Coldplay, and was dancing to it. I started to describe how I was dancing... freestyle, no partner... just moving to the music as it lead me... stretching my arms up and out, running, leaping, pointing my toes, feeling the wind in my face... and then a tear fell down my cheek. It was amazing. I woke up feeling more relaxed and at peace than I've felt in a long time.

I want to thank the girlfriends I've nagged to get their mammograms for going ahead and making their appointments. Be in tune with your body, listen to it and it will tell you alot. If your gut says, don't do it, then don't. If your choice is the cookie or the apple, choose the apple. You know what to do. We all do. It's about making choices. Don't take your health for granted; it's a gift and you never know when it can be taken away.

Love,
Rhonda

PICC line out! Antibiotics done! Infection gone! Bloodwork normal! I'm freee!!!

2010-06-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

I was given the best news at the doctor today! After 2-1/2 weeks on heavy doses of 3 different antibiotics, a hospital stay, struggling through side effects, fever and fatigue, I am finally cleared for takeoff. The doctor said no guarantees, but he thinks we may have saved my expander. The real test will be this next week. If I can stay infection-free for one week, I'll be able to have a saline expansion at the PS next Friday... one step closer to the end of my reconstruction.

I've been suffering severe left shoulder pain for over a week now, and don't know the cause. My right side has almost full range of motion now, but my left shoulder is very painful with certain movement. The pain radiates down my arm, which might signify nerve involvement, possibly from the PICC line in my left arm. We're hoping that's the case, and it goes away in a few days... not bursitis, tendonitis, or worse yet, frozen shoulder. They're all possibilities, and until I'm officially diagnosed by an Orthopedic surgeon, I'm holding off on physical therapy on that side for now.

I still have a long way to go, but the good news is, I can finally start my climb out of this pitt. Being used to having energy, vitality, flexibility and strength, it's challenging to be so out of shape, sluggish, stiff, and easily winded. A flight of stairs leaves me gasping for air. I think it was especially frustrating for me because I was just starting to get my stamina back on Memorial weekend in Frezno at the dance event, and this infection came out of nowhere and set me back a few weeks. Thankfully I'm starting to pull through, and it's looking like I may have beat the odds. I was told most often with expander infections they have to come out.

First day off the antibiotics -- the REAL test is the next 7 days. Super diet. Super hydration. Immune builders. Rest. Meditation. Rest. ...and maybe a little dancing. Just a little, I promise! Any suggestions for natural ways of fending off those little buggers would be most appreciated. They are NOT welcome in my body no more!!!

In reflection, this has been just one more chapter in my journey, an opportunity to create something meaningful in dealing with breast cancer. My appreciation for life and health has been enriched, I am more clearly in touch with what really matters and who I am at my core.

If you are reading this and have just been diagnosed with breast cancer, I can tell you this: you will never feel so loved. The pouring out of love and support from friends and family has been amazing and what's enabled me to keep my positive outlook. It hasn't been easy, but that's okay, nothing worthwhile ever is.

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

2010-06-23T07:52:00.000-07:00

Just came across this old video from 4 years ago.

It has a totally new meaning now...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YKuu_CYjrA

4 heavenly words: I ... FEEL... GOOD... TODAY...

2010-06-22T08:28:00.001-07:00

2010-06-22T06:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their story. This is mine.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on February 23, 2010. Although I'd had a clear mammogram on Aug. 31, 2009, It has been an extraordinary experience that has changed my life in ways I never imagined it could. I have gained strength and courage I never knew I had, I appreciate the smallest things in life, and I have never felt so loved. This is my story, from the beginning. I hope somehow it helps even one person to realize that nothing is impossible to overcome.

Good days and Bad days

2010-06-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

The one thing "bad days" have over "good days," is that they're completely optional.

The other thing is that they usually make you think things you've never thought before. Which is probably why people choose them.

~The Universe

Saturday June 19th - My body is a battleground.

2010-06-19T23:50:00.001-07:00

Here's the latest - my infection is getting better!!! Every day I wake up and it's improved from the day before, although not totally gone yet. But that's okay, I'm grateful beyond words that it's going in the right direction. I've been on 3 different very strong antibiotics for 11 days now -- two by IV, through a PICC line in my upper arm, (inserted in the hospital last week), and one orally. BIG doses of Maxipime and Cubicin, with oral Probenicid to enhance the IV drugs. I go to the infusion center daily in Redondo Beach for 60-90 minute infusions for two weeks total. I seem to be tolerating them fairly well, but not without side effects... extreme fatigue, muscle weakness (from the Cubicin), and fevers. Oh those fevers!!! They make me want to lie down and do nothing. I'm so weak and tired, and every muscle in my body aches. I long for the vitality and strength I used to have a mere 2 months ago. I feel like I'm 90.

And now it appears that I have Bursitis in my left shoulder. Could be from inactivity, but is common in after breast surgery and in diabetics. The pain radiating down my arm whenever I lift it higher than my shoulder is excruciating. Off to Physical Therapy and massage. I had an awesome chair massage today by a guy specializing in sports injuries; he really got to the root of my pain.

I have to admit I was a little down in the dumps earlier this week. Financial worries, Rachel was in a car accident (she's FINE but her car is NOT), infection, side effects, shoulder pain, difficulties keeping my blood sugar under control (and the doctor told me these antibiotics will not work to heal the infection if my blood sugars are high).... can you blame me? It's been a tough week. Yet I'm always so determined to stay positive under any and all circumstances. But something was getting in the way of that.

Then I had a breakthrough on Thursday night, thanks to the L.A. Lakers. I was watching the movie, "The Green Mile" on my laptop, with the Laker game on TV on mute so I could keep an eye on the score. (Paul was watching the game in full glory in the other room!) As I watched the movie and saw Michael Clarke Duncan's face as he was watching Fred Estaire & Ginger Rodgers dance on the movie screen, I was deeply moved by the expression of pure joy on his face. It suddenly hit me how precious and wonderful life is in every moment in time and space. As I glanced up to see the game score, I saw close-ups of the players' faces dripping with sweat and filled with determination to fight till the end for their victory. I knew that feeling - it's the feeling of excitement and exhiliaration I get on the competition dance floor, the US Open floor and the UCWDC Worlds ballroom (or the Grand Ole Opry Stage). Those Lakers were at the TOP of their game, in those final moments. And suddenly I realized that I, too, will be at the top of my game again, very soon. It may not be tomorrow or next week, but it will happen! I will get out there on that floor and the pure joy I feel when I dance will spill over in abundance. Somehow I knew this in no uncertain terms, and an overwhelming sense of peace filled my heart.

We all have our own battles to fight. I sit here quietly and peacefully writing this as a war is being waged inside my body... heavily armed antibiotics fighting the evil infection-causing-bacteria, while the good bacteria fights to stay alive. Piece 'o cake, right?

Sunday June 13th - Weekend Recap & Infection Watch

2010-06-19T23:21:00.001-07:00

A weekend of love, resolve, and dance-envy. My daughter and all my friends at a local dance event that I had hoped would be my debut return to competition after my surgery... team rehearsals that I wanted so badly to attend...outdoor summer festivals & concerts I adore... but a serious bacterial infection stops all that from happening. I resolve to settle back, take stock of my situation, and put my health as absolute number one priority.

All I can manage to do each day, it seems, is make it through my 2 hours of IV antibiotics infusion and lay around the house all day. After Carissa treated me to a lovely mani-pedi this morning, I tried grocery shopping a little... NOT a good idea. I was walking soooo slow, and feeling achy and feverish the whole time. Totally exhausted me. Miriam brought over some yummy warm home-made banana-chocolate-walnut bread. Love that girl. With one of my infrequent but welcomed spurts of energy, somehow I managed to make dinner - an easy pasta-chicken-veggie skillet dish. Not a bad weekend for a sickie, I guess. Tonight as I sit up in bed breaking out into a cold sweat and watching the Tony Awards while Paul snores next to me, it takes me back to my wonderful "Savin' Up" days last summer. Longing for those days again, when I was healthy...

There will always be more dance events... there will always be more team rehearsals and practices...there will be more weekend summer music festivals. Work, students, cleaning and housework will be there. I must breathe deeply and try to find the silver lining in this temporary setback. I see other patients at the infusion center with more serious conditions. I'm reminded by my PICC line and daily IV that this could have been chemo, easily... but it is NOT and I am one of the lucky ones. I'm seeing visualizations of later this year, dancing at the US Open and Worlds in Nashville, with restored health and vitality. It's only a matter of time. And time is a precious gift that is on my side.

Friday June 11th - Setback in a nutshell.

2010-06-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

6/1 my right breast decides it wants to be a tomato.

6/2 doc puts me on oral abx for 6 days in effort to save the expander.

6/9 improvement not fast enough.

Admits me to the hospital for 2 days on IV abx.

Then, starting today (6/11), 14 daily visits to local infusion center for heavy doses of killer abx at $50/pop co-pay.

Weakness, fevers, sweats, itchy, fatigue, flu-like--from the abx or the infection? Who knows.

I know they said breast cancer wouldn't be a picnic, but honestly I didn't sign up for this.

I love you Leslie. Let's hang on. :(

Monday June 7th - I got an infection.

2010-06-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

While it might seem a little vain to think you all would be concerned about my breast reconstruction, in reality it's not only a cosmetic issue for me now, it's also a medical one. Several friends have asked for an update, so at 7-8 weeks post surgery I thought this would be a good time.

I'd read about all the possible complications from mastectomy reconstruction and lymph node removal, but honestly thought I'd be immune. I'm healthy! I take all my vitamins, am well-hydrated, live a healthy lifestyle. Along with challenging exercises to regain my range of motion, and constant issues with fatigue, breast cancer has proven to be an ongoing battle to get my health and strength back. I'm eternally grateful that I didn't need chemo or radiation, and realize it could have been so much worse.

I was able to attend the Fresno Dance Classic event Memorial weekend with Rachel, and it was fabulous! I wasn't sure I'd be physically able to dance that soon (6 weeks), but as I eased into it gradually, I found that it was actually good for me and loosened me up. I regained alot of my range of motion there, and also had an amazing time seeing friends and watching comps. As you can imagine, dancing now has a whole new meaning for me...

A few days after Fresno I noticed my right breast (the cancer side) became quite red. There was no pain there, no fever, and it wasn't hot to the touch. I called the doctor and he immediately put me on antibiotics, and said it was okay to wait the 2 days till my scheduled appt to see me; but if it got ANY worse at all (fever or hotness) he'd put me right in the hospital on IV antibiotics and possibly have to remove my expander. THAT would have been bad... one flat breast for 3-6 months of healing before any more expansion/reconstruction could be attempted.

When the doctor saw me on Friday, the redness had decreased a little so he hesitantly let me go, but said to call him if anything worsens. I was so relieved by this... I had packed a hospital bag for this appt just in case. (Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, right?) Being given the go-ahead to keep all my weekend plans instead of having to spend it in the hospital was music to my ears!

I started these antibiotics 5 days ago now, and am officially on "infection watch". I carry a thermometer with me, and am also using homeopathic antibiotics, probiotics & immune builders. As of today, it's still pretty red, but slowly decreasing. I'm praying for the redness to completely disappear. And from what I'm reading, this "infection watch" could last many months or even longer.

As any BC survivor undergoing tissue expander reconstruction knows, these plastic saline-filled balloons inside my chest are NOT fun. They're a foreign body and can be prone to infection, not to mention extremely uncomfortable. It feels like I'm wearing a tight, underwire bra on the inside. If I knew the date of my final implant surgery (hoping for August) I'd be literally counting the days.

OTOH, considering the severity of my surgery, I am doing fantastic right now! The incisions are healing beautifully, and my stamina is slowly improving. Although I tire easily, feels wonderful to start once again doing the normal every day things I used to do, and now it's with a much deeper sense of gratitude than ever before. I've started my regular routine now, of practices, teams, and teaching 3 nights a week plus Sundays; it's challenging trying to keep up, but I'm pacing myself and taking it slow. Job search is still on hold for now. I've stopped sleeping in the recliner finally, my drain sites are healing up, and am on my way back to my old self. Well, sorta.

Actually I don't think I will ever be totally like I was before; when a part of your anatomy changes, it does something profound to your psyche. Almost my entire torso feels different now, and it's a constant reminder of my cancer ordeal. It's also a constant reminder to me that I am incredibly lucky to have my amazing life. As the hours passed this weekend, I was keenly aware of the beauty of the ordinary. Feeling joy doing regular stuff. Wow. Wish I could bottle it & sell it! It's awesome!

Will I eventually get used to the "new me"? They say I will, but right now I'm not too convinced. In the meantime, I continue to fight my way back to health.

To be continued.....

Love,

Friday May 14th - Got my drains removed today!!!

2010-06-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

MY DRAINS WERE REMOVED TODAY!!!! This is a VERY GOOD DAY!!!

I am soooo happyyyyyyy!!!!!! I feel like I just dropped 10 pounds of weight... rubbery fluid-filled weight with 2-foot-long tubes attached ... they were my friends for 4 straight weeks, helping drain fluid from the surgical sites so they could heal.

And they were painful... getting more painful each day the last week or so... but alas, they are gone now, and I can finally sleep on my side, and move normally. I feel like a real human now.

Still lots more healing to do, but I am well on my way now, and SO VERY happy to be without those drains. SO happy!

Rhonda

Tuesday May 11th - "NO-Breast-Cancer" Update

2010-06-19T23:15:00.001-07:00

I haven't sent out an update for a while and thought it's about time. I am 3-1/2 weeks post mastectomy, and I'm doing pretty well, all considered. Still cancer free! My Plastic Surgeon (PS), Dr. Newman, gave me the okay to drive last Monday, which was encouraging. I probably jumped into it to fast and did too much last week, but it was hard not to. I was feeling so much better and stronger.

My first oncologist appt (Dr. Makalinao) was on Friday, and he confirmed it... no chemo, no radiation, no drugs whatsoever. I am SO lucky! Now I can just focus on my reconstruction, which will take several months. But thankfully I have my beautiful survivor friends Dena, Carmen and Joan paving my way right now with theirs. Not to mention Leah and Valyn who have been by my side as well... and all the ladies in my support group!

My oncologist seems very good. Just like my breast surgeon Dr. Schiff, he began talking and answered almost all my questions before I had the chance to ask them. He is ordering the testing for the BRCA genes, within the next couple of weeks, which will be a big weight lifted. (Especially if I'm negative.) He said that if I test positive for the gene, I'd have to have my ovaries out. And of course my kids would be tested if I'm positive. But I'll cross that bridge when I have to. I tell you, it felt GREAT when he said he doesn't need to see me for another 3 months!

Today was my appointment with my PS, when I was hoping to get my drains removed. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. I needed to be draining less than 30 cc's of fluid for two days in a row, and I had only done that one day (yesterday). So I made another appointment for this Friday, hoping I can have them out by then!

I feel this is a mini-setback because the drain sites are causing me tremendous pain now. In the last couple of days, it's gotten worse. The slightest wrong movement, and it's excruciating. Pain meds don't help. The PS said it's normal to have this pain, it typically does get worse with time, (the longer they stay in ), and there's nothing he can do for it. I finally got him to approve a lidocaine cream from the pharmacy, and that helps only a little. So that is why I am praying the drains will come out Friday. I have to sit around all day and hardly move; not fun!

On the bright side, he gave me my first expansion fill today! I forget how many cc's of saline, but it seemed like 2-3 BIG syringes full, on both sides! (I took pain meds before the appt so I was a little ditzy.) I'm still very lopsided, though. My right is much smaller than my left due to skin loss during surgery, and he said it'll always be uneven... but that he might be able to take some skin off the left side during my implant surgery (3 months maybe). Good news is, the expansion didn't hurt. That was a big relief.

Miriam and Rachel came with me to the appointment today, and Miriam also brought over an awesome taco dinner complete with fresh flowers, homemade brownies & TJ's sparkling pomegranite juice, my favorite. (John made his famous taco shells to go with dinner.) Gina sent me 8 romantic comedies on DVD, and I'm still working through Goldie Hawn's autobiography ... so I've plenty to keep me occupied the next 3 days while I'm sitting around trying to be as still as possible.

So yeah, I'm doing okay all things considered. Yet somehow, when all your focus and energy has to be aimed toward pain relief, you still have this sense that the world is passing you by. I sit here looking at my bedroom filled with flowers from friends and my walls lined with get well cards... they mean so much to me and surround me with love and warmth... yet they also remind me that each person who signed every one of those cards is out there living their life, working, playing, shopping, dancing; and while their kind and empathetic prayers and efforts to lift me up are doing wonders for me, life does go on.

...as it should be.

In the words of Jack Smith, keep on keepin' on. And know that I'm thinking about you! One day soon I'll be joining you out there living life again.... and appreciating it with all my heart.

Love,
Rhonda

P.S. Congrats to all of you who danced at SwingDiego this weekend. I was watching the live feed all weekend, and saw many of you competing & social dancing! It made me feel almost like I was there with you all. So inspirational! How about that 'text-your-vote-in' after the J&J competition? Just like DWTS & American Idol. So cool!

Sunday May 9th - Thanks to Hacienda friends

2010-06-19T23:14:00.001-07:00

I was completely blown away by all the well wishes and signatures on the giant get well card that Jean Sadrpour delivered on my porch last night. Thank you all so much! Most of the people who signed I couldn't find on Facebook... but I hope everyone knows how much it meant to me. As I read each special message, I literally broke down and cried, they touched me so deeply.

I've been going to Hacienda every Thursday for 15 years, and I consider it my 2nd home. To the many dancers who signed my card, while we may not always talk, I hope you all know that every smile, wink, or glance that we share, no matter how small, makes you an endearing part of my dance family.

With so much love,
Rhonda

Wednesday May 5th - I cry at at KFC commercial. Am I going mad?

2010-06-19T23:12:00.001-07:00

http://bucketsforthecure.com/

Maybe it's because I haven't cried since my surgery 19 days ago, for any other reason besides pain. Maybe I've been holding it together emotionally to save my energy for healing.

But for some reason when I saw this TV commercial this morning, I burst into sobs. A KFC commercial for breast cancer. Go figure. Were these tears of joy that I am now cancer free? Or tears of loss as I am grieving for a part of myself that is no longer with me. Probably both. I can say this much... crying feels good. Fantastic, really. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Saturday, April 24th. Healing is happening.

2010-06-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Even tho I'm going through my own little personal hell each day, I know with each day I get closer to healing. At 2:00am this morning, I felt (in addition to the pain and tightness) a tickle. I suddenly remembered that when I was little my mama used to tell me that a tickle meant I was healing! Then the words went through my head, "My body knows what to do, to heal!" And I started to cry. Happy tears. Grateful to be alive and to have this thing behind me a teeny bit more each day.

Thursday, April 22nd - Scar Revision Surgery

2010-06-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

It all started when I went for my first post-op visit to my Plastic Surgeon yesterday at 3:00. As he looked at my wounds, the look on his face was ominous. He told me the purple-ish skin around my incisions meant they were not getting enough blood supply for healing, and he needed to go in and remove the dead tissue. This type of complication happens 10% of the time, and not just to diabetics. He said it was not necessarily my diabetes that caused this.

Here's a little blurb I found that explains it:

Delayed wound healing may result because blood vessels are cut during mastectomy. This can occasionally present problems when the body tries to heal the incision site. If blood flow to the incision site is insufficient, small areas of skin may wither or scab, requiring that your surgeon trim them. This is neither a serious nor a common complication.

So they put me under general anesthesia again, last night, 8pm. Same ordeal... not eating for many hours, pre-op prep, IV insertion, intubating, waking up, sore throat, trying to breathe, leg squeezers, headache. Surgery went well.

But I had a really really bad night. They gave me pain medicine (dilaudid) by IV before going home from the hospital around 11pm, but we forgot to take it again just before going to sleep. I woke up at 4:30am in excruciating pain, just my right breast. The pain was so horrendous, I so wanted to die. So at 4:53, Paul gave me a pill, but I said I didn't think I could survive the 30+ minutes it would take to kick in. As I watched the digital clock tick each min., praying for acceIeration, told Paul to tell the kids I loved them and I'm sorry they had to lose their mother. I tried every mental trick I could, to relax into the pain, but nothing worked, and the pain just caused me to cry and become more tense which increased the pain. Paul was so close to calling 911 to take me to the hospital; but I begged him not to, and tried to keep quiet after that. It was surreal. I could relate with the soldier wounded on a battlefield wishing someone would shoot him dead to relieve him of his misery.

Looking back, perhaps staying overnight last night in the hospital would've been better than coming home, so they could've monitored my pain. But I chose to come home. Who knew.

This morning at my gen'l surgeon appt, he explained that during the initial surgery when he was cutting away the tumors, he may have been a little too agressive in trying to get clean margins, and cut too close to the skin, not leaving enough connecting blood vessels near the skin to enable healing. He said sometimes it's hard to tell where the line is between tissue and vessels. His philosophy is that it's better to be more agressive and take more tissue than less to be sure to get all the cancer cells. IOW, better safe than sorry. And of course I agree. But that leaves less skin to work with.

Also during this 2nd surgery, my PS extracted some saline from the expanders, deflating them somewhat, in order for the skin to have more room to heal. He will inflate them to normal at a later date after I'm healed.

Thems the breaks, I guess. Sh*t happens. I can't wait till this is behind me. I'm staying strong though, and oh boy, do I appreciate pain free moments. They are WONDERFUL! Life is good!

Tuesday, April 20th - I am cancer free!

2010-06-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

It is Tuesday, April 20th, 4 days post surgery. The last few days have been mostly a blur, as I am not one to pass up heavy doses of pain meds when needed. And trust me, they're needed. I may be brave and positive, but I'm not stupid.

The day before my surgery, Rachel so sweetly gave me three gemstones... smooth rocks to hold in my pocket... one says "strength" and one says "gratitude". One is a pink heart, so I can hold her near to me in my heart. She told me what each one meant to her, as tears filled her eyes. Mine too. I ended up holding that pink heart rock in my hand all during my surgery.

The night before my big day I was having trouble deciding whether to go to Hacienda for some dancing, one last time. We'd just gone out to dinner as a family to Jerry's Deli and pigged out on Jewish comfort food. Chopped liver, matza ball soup, pastrami, latkes. Rachel said maybe I should not go dancing...that I should leave the LAPD event last weekend as my last dance memory. I realized she was right. Such wisdom, so young. So I stayed home to regroup, to rest, and to cuddle Bob. Believe it or not, I actually needed that more than dancing.

Phone calls, e-mails, Facebook messages, texts... coming in droves... so many people well wishing and praying for me. I could hardly believe it. Neighbor Cindy sending out play-by-play email blasts with my progress. (Thank you, Cindy, you were amazing, and everyone appreciated it!) Paul and Rachel coordinating visitors. Not an easy task when every hour, it seemed, brought some new unexpected turn of events.

Yet according to my surgeons, it all went smoothly - "textbook" they said. Still quite an ordeal.

Those 2 days in the hospital were generally a positive experience. The staff was great. My favorite nurse was Clare, she was top notch (night shift). I loved how she fondly called my Jackson Pratt surgical drains, "Little Guys". One of the most painful times I remember was before the surgery when they were trying to get the IV in the back of my hand. I have a phobia about that anyway, so who knows if my fears compounded the pain, but it was horrendous. And I'm diabetic so it's not a fear of needles; it's the location. Brrrr...

I don't remember much detail upon waking from the surgery. Nor do I remember actually falling asleep. I do remember being wheeled into the OR, and when I saw that "exit" sign in the hallway, I was reminded of Geralyn's desire to "bolt". (Author of “Why I Wore Red Lipstick to my Mastectomy”) She thought, "should I escape out that door to save my breasts?" …and then thought better of it. Me? I had no desire to bolt. I was more than ready to say goodbye to the tata's of terror.

Right before surgery my Plastic Surgeon came by and proceeded to draw on my chest, with a marker, the actual surgical outlines. He seemed calm, reassuring, confident, and ready. Armed with my surgical cap & 2 coats of my bright red super long lasting matte lipstick, I assured him I was too.

I do remember waking up and just having the sense to want to climb back into reality. I felt pain and tightness in my chest, and barely remember who was around me. Before surgery I'd asked Paul to give me a "thumbs up" upon waking if my lymph nodes were clear, but he didn't commit to it because he didn't want me to be upset had the outcome been different and I didn't see the thumbs up sign right away. In reality, I didn't even think about that upon waking. I just wanted to get my bearings. After a while, I saw this big huge thumb in my face, literally one inch from my nose... Paul's thumbs up! (Well one BIG thumb.) No cancer in my lymph nodes! Not sure what I said in response, but I think somehow I’d known it all along because I wasn’t surprised. At that point I think I started to really wake up. They removed 3 lymph nodes, (the sentinel plus 2 others) to biopsy during the surgery. But thankfully they were able to use the nipple incision to do it, not an additional one under my arm. Of course mostly I'm thankful the nodes were benign. Best news of all!

The pain after surgery was intense. Well meaning friends suggested things to take my mind off it. But distraction does not work with this deep rooted kind of pain. It's not just an ache. It really hurts. It felt like I'd been sliced open and sewn back together. Literally. When it was 30 min. prior to a scheduled pain pill, I'd try to push through the pain, do my childbirth breathing, to make it another half hour... until my doctor said it was okay to take my meds early. Thank God.... The other most painful time I remember was right after going for my first walk after surgery around the corridor. I was surprised I walked so well! But 5 minutes after returning to my bed, the pain started increasing. Easily a twelve on the ten scale. It was total agony. They neglected to tell me to take pain meds 30 min. before walking. Learned that lesson quick!

When I told Dr. Schiff I felt like I'd been hit by a train, he said soon it will feel like a mac truck, then a car, then a bike... he was right. Today we've upgraded to "hit by a car".

The first day I wasn't ready to look down inside my hospital gown yet. I found myself looking in stages; a glance here and there. The first two times I felt like crying when I'd look, and crying hurt; so I didn't try any more. Each time I looked after that, it got a little easier and less emotional.

Saturday I had a good number of visitors, starting at 9am with my lovely friend Linda Wilson from my newly-diagnosed Wellness Community support group. She was so knowledgeable having recently gone through it, so it was very reassuring having her visit me. That was followed by around 25 other friends who came throughout the day bringing flowers and gifts. My room became so bright and cheerful. My sincere thanks go to each one of you who took the time and effort to visit me. I may have been groggy and out of it, but I knew you were there, and I will always remember.

Sunday morning came along and they wanted me to go home. I wasn't ready. But Nurse Cynthia said to me, "Most of you guys go home the next day." You guys? That made me feel like I was wearing a name tag that said, "53-year-old-bilateral-mas

tectomy". Seriously, if I'd wanted to, I could have stayed another night. My pain was still significant, and the thought of getting out of bed and the car ride home was overwhelming.

But after a few hours things turned around. By 3 or 4pm I felt so much better, and by 5pm I was ready. We got the ball moving, and by 7pm I was in a wheelchair headed for the elevator.

Just before leaving, I was treated to a special private performance by a Hawaiian family of hula dancers & ukelele players in my hospital room! Their father was having brain surgery the next day, and they asked Paul if I would want to hear them play before I left the hospital. They played "Hanalei Moon" (correction thanks to Laureen!), and it was fantastic! The joyful expression in the hula dancer's eyes made me cry... she knew her father was about to undergo life threatening surgery, and yet she could still express her joy through her dance and her beaming smile. I will never forget it.

Got home from the hospital about 7:30pm Sunday night. While I was getting settled, it hit me just how much there was to do. Emptying my surgical drains is an ordeal. It has to be done a minimum of twice a day, up to 6 times daily the first few days... have to glove up, empty them both in measuring cups, sterilize, and record the amounts, date & time. For a whole month. Not to mention getting my meds on a schedule, doing my breathing exercises, and the every day basics of life.

Now, in another week or two, the surgical pathology report will come back which will tell us whether they got clean margins around the tumors. This will dictate whether or not I have to have chemo or radiation. My doctor told me it’s very unlikely that I will. So good to hear!

As a normally independent person, it's hard to feel like a prisoner. I can hardly do anything for myself, have to depend on everyone else... to help me get up and pee. To open my pill bottles. To pick up my laptop to put it on my lap in bed. I knew all this in theory before surgery, but when it actually happens, it's another story. I have such gratitude for the smallest accomplishments, like passing gas! ;-)

Finding a balance between being too fearful and hesitant, and taking risks to stretch my ‘reach’ so I can heal, isn’t easy. I don’t want to sabotage my healing by overdoing, but I also need to push through the pain to a certain extent so as not to delay it either. It’s a fine line. I can tell you, I’m learning first hand exactly what movements use my back muscles, abdominals, and arm muscles! I’m so glad I did my workouts faithfully before surgery and got strong; it’s really paying off now.

I see my Plastic Surgeon tomorrow afternoon, first ‘outing’ since surgery. He’ll check my incisions and drains, and discuss the game plan for the next few weeks. I expect to start my saline fills in about a month when my drains come out, and then hopefully my next surgery to replace the expanders with the final implants will be in 2-4 months. I’ll know more details after my appointment tomorrow, although we won’t know anything for sure until after the pathology report is back.

So much of the future is still a mystery. But the ‘unknown’ I had such fear of last week is now in the past. I’m thrilled about my clean lymph nodes and so grateful I was/am strong enough to make it through this ordeal so well. I’m stronger than I thought! I have SO many people to thank I wouldn’t know where to start, other than the obvious, my amazing husband Paul. Without his love and support I wouldn’t be, well, I just wouldn’t be Rhonda.

Love to all,
Rhonda

P.S. My red lipstick stayed on the whole surgery!

Tuesday April 13th - Finding my Inner Cleavage

2010-06-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

"Breast cancer survivors are some of the smartest and foxiest women I know. It must be all of that inner cleavage shining through!" Geralyn Lucas

With only 2 days until my double mastectomy, I sit here writing this with total peace and tranquility. I have cried till there are no more tears, pushed through my fears, and come to a place of acceptance and readiness. I have talked to, looked into the eyes of, e-mailed and hugged enough mastectomy survivors now that I know deep in my soul that I will be okay. These women are real, beautiful human beings... your sisters, mothers, co-workers, fellow dancers, waitresses and doctors alike.... who have been brave enough to cut off their breasts to save their lives. And if they can do it, I can do it too. And still be beautiful and sexy and loved.

My inspiration right now is a fabulous book written by Geralyn Lucas, an editorial producer at ABC News' 20/20 program, titled, "Why I wore red lipstick to my Mastectomy". It's an incredible memoir about her experience with breast cancer at the age of 27; how she makes it through a period of fear and uncertainty to discover her own courage and beauty. It's also a Lifetime movie starring Sarah Chalke (Scrubs). Geralyn's website is http://www.whyiworelipstick.com/.

This past weekend attending the LAPD dance event was an experience I'll not soon forget. I'm so glad I made the decision to postpone my surgery until after this event. Of course the doctors said it was safe to wait, and I knew it would be good for me. Not just the dancing, but the love, support, words of encouragement and hugs from so many friends. Barb and Karen did a fundraiser 50/50 raffle for breast cancer research (and HomeAid) raising $2,000 in a 24-hour period... mostly due to DJ Jack Smith volunteering to have his head shaved if we reached the $2,000 mark. (Pictures on Facebook, Jumpin' Jack the Jumpin' Bean!) He is an amazing and wonderful person, as many of you know, and those pics of his bald smiling face will serve as my affirmation that even if I have to someday lose my hair to save my life, I will do it with a smile.

I received literally hundreds of hugs this weekend, and they all meant alot to me. Many friends said the same three words to me, "You'll be fine". I can't hear it enough. Yet, the women who said those words to me (and much more) when it impacted me the most, when it permeated my soul, when I really truly knew I'd be okay, were my breast cancer survivor friends. To Leah, Joan, Dena, Valyn, Maria, and "A", (and Carmen on FB), you are my inspiration and my mentors. Thank you for leading my way.

I am a different person now than I was before my diagnosis. I'm even different than I was two weeks ago. Intense, deeply focused soul-searching does that to ya, I guess! When I first learned of my 4/16 surgery date, about 3 weeks ago, it seemed so far away. Then I started noticing e-mails and TV commercials announcing things happening beyond 4/16... dances, concerts, shows, events... and I began to think of how different my life will be "pre" and "post" surgery. Life does go on, even when I can't participate in it! April 16th has become sort of a re-birth date for me. I know in theory that after a few weeks when I'm all healed, looking back it'll just seem like a bump in the road. But right now it feels alot bigger than that. 4/16 will remain as one of the big life anniversaries I'll always remember... and if I'm careful and smart about it, I'll lump it in with the happy ones, like my children's births, my first competition and my first time doing the US Open. After all, my mastectomy is going to be a huge life-affirming accomplishment, that I plan to be proud of someday.

Details: I go into the breast diagnostic center Friday morning at 9:45, for the injection of the radioactive blue dye for the lymph node mapping. Then around 11:00 they'll shuttle me to Torrance Memorial to be prepared for my 1:00 surgery. It'll take about 6 hours. I should be in recovery from 7-9ish, and hopefully in my room soon after. I hear they don't really enforce visiting hours. My pre-op nurse will be Evelyn Calip. The first thing I want to hear when I wake up from the anesthesia, (besides, "here are some ice chips"), is ... "you have NO cancer in your lymph nodes." I am praying for that to happen.

The doctor said if he checks me out okay I might be able to go home Saturday. If not, then Sunday. It depends on how I'm doing.

So, tomorrow and Thursday I'll do some errands, a little shopping, get a mani-pedi, and get the house ready. The day before I'll pack for the hospital, and I may get a massage. The night before I'll go out to dinner with my family, and maybe dancing at HH if I feel like it. I have my list of items to pack for the hospital... robe, toothbrush, slippers, comb, ipod... and at the top of that list... red lipstick.

With love and healing,
Rhonda

Tuesday April 6th - 10 days to go.

2010-06-19T23:00:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've written a BC update, so I thought I'd better get one out this week. Thank you all so much for all your e-mails and Facebook messages of love and support these past weeks. Every one of them is special and means the world to me.

I've been so busy getting ready for the LAPD dance event this weekend, which has turned out to be the best therapy for me. I purposely scheduled my surgery for after the event; and while I was a bit nervous waiting so long, I'm very glad I did. The more I read and talk to doctors, the more I'm convinced there was no reason to rush, as my type of cancer is slow growing.

Talk about building character! Fear of the unknown is one challenge I will be able to check off my "bucket list" as having overcome! As much as I've read, researched, and discussed with survivors, it's still all "theory" to me until April 16th, and every experience is unique. I've done my homework, made all my decisions, set the stage for recovery and beyond, and now I'm ready!

I'm a little concerned right now because Melanie has the flu. Not just the fact that my baby is feeling pretty awful, with a 103 degree temperature and very sore throat, possibly strep (life just isn't right when any of my kids are sick). But also because if I get sick I can't have surgery. Can we please borrow every one of your immune systems? We promise to return them promptly!

So, if all is well, on April 16, 2010, at 1:00pm at Torrance Memorial Hospital, I will undergo a bilateral mastectomy with immediate tissue expander implant reconstruction. I have chosen this route not only because it was recommended by my doctor, but because it is ultimately the best decision for me. The cancer is in two different areas in my right breast; and the two papillomas in my left breast have a good chance of developing into cancer in the future. I've never been particularly breast-identified, but a body part is a body part, and my goal has always been to retain as many of mine as possible. If I'd chosen lumpectomies, I would also have to have radiation. Being diabetic, I want this surgery behind me for good. This disease runs in my family. I want to do whatever I can now to reduce the chances of this coming back EVER.

So I spend my days now reading, stoning costumes, visiting doctors, working with my pro-am students who are competing at LAPD this weekend, going to support group meetings, practicing my competition routines with Don & Larry, cooking, working out at the gym, getting the house ready, filling prescriptions, being wife & mom, and connecting with friends. I have little time to get scared or nervous... except in my quite moments, which, believe it or not, do exist. But I allow myself to have those moments, cry a little if necessary, dry my tears, and get on with life.

What remains to be seen is how I do after the fact! I've already gained 10 pounds from stress-eating, and will probably gain more from inactivity during recovery, but I'm okay with that. A friend suggested getting a prescription for anti-anxiety meds for the day(s) just prior to surgery should I start to feel anxious, so I did. I'm hoping I won't need them, but just in case, it's good knowing they're there.

I have also been blessed with the news that my wonderful sister Beverly from Israel is coming to visit!! I haven't seen her in over 3 years since my mother's funeral, and she is coming on the 18th to be with me for my recovery. She is staying 10 days. I couldn't be more grateful!

I want to express my love and appreciation for all of you reading this who are seeing me through this new chapter in my life. Please don't hesitate to ask me any questions at all if you are curious about something, anything. You'd be doing me a favor because I seem to need to talk about this, alot. I will update again next week before my big day, and then again afterwards as soon as I'm up to it.

I'd like to finish by sharing with you an e-mail I was sent an e-mail this week that really hit home. It was a story about a family who’d just lost their dog, and were wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Their six-year-old boy, who had been listening quietly, piped up and said, ''I know why.''

He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?''

The Six-year-old continued,''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''

In this time of crisis and soul-searching, I look to my dog Bob for guidance.

If Bob could talk, this is what he'd tell me to do:

When a loved one comes home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the chance to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take many naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

Much love,
Rhonda

Friday March 26th - Tribute to Walter Ricks

2010-06-19T22:59:00.001-07:00

RIP Walter Ricks

My profile picture was taken by Walter, a little over a year ago. I was starting my background acting work, and needed headshots for the casting companies. I spent the afternoon with Walter at his home studio, where he carefully helped me pick out my outfits for the shoot, and took me to some nearby parks & streets for backdrops. He was very knowledgeable about photography, and made me feel at ease and comfortable. He would say, "Beautiful!" ... or... "Nice!" ...or some positive comment after each shot. He had me believing I was a pro model before long.

It was several months later that we learned of Walter's diagnosis of cancer. We were told it was pretty serious, but I personally had difficulty believing that because he was always out dancing! He had such a beautiful spirit, and passion for dance. As his disease progressed, he would apologize for being "rusty" on the dance floor, even though he was clearly as sharp as ever. I never had a dance with Walter that wasn't enjoyable. He was just that good.

Walter lost his battle with cancer last October, and is missed by many. We dancers will always hold a special place for him in our hearts. Every time I look at my headshots I remember the day I spent with Walter, how he created some of the best photos ever taken of me... innocent moments frozen in time. Neither of us knew at that time that we both had cancer. We just spent a lovely, sunny day, taking pictures in the park. As it should be.

While Walter may have lost his fight with cancer, I am determined to honor his memory by winning mine.

Wed. March 24th ... 23 days and counting!

2010-06-19T22:58:00.001-07:00

This morning I got THE phone call... so happy to finally have a surgery date! It's 3 weeks from this Friday... April 16th, at 1:00pm. After much research and a lot of soul-searching and mind-changing, I’ve finally decided to have a bi-lateral mastectomy with tissue expander reconstruction (implants). I decided against the DIEP flap procedure (the 15-hour surgery with tissue transfer/tummy-tuck). I'll be going into the breast diagnostic center earlier that morning for the pre-mastectomy injection of radioactive dye for them to determine during surgery if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes, before going to Torrance Memorial. My surgery is supposed to take 6 hours, with a 1-or 2-night stay in the hospital.

I've been asked if I want visitors that evening. The answer is yes! I'm definitely a visitor person! The more the merrier. It'll be harder on YOU seeing me without makeup and looking half dead, than it will be on me! I may not be very sociable, but you'll understand. I'll know you're there, and that's all that matters.

Much of my day today was spent on the phone with other doctors making pre-op appointments. I made a special calendar designated for all my doctor's appointments... there are many in the next 3 weeks! I'm going to be inquiring soon about genetic testing for the BRCA gene for breast cancer, to see if I'm a carrier. This cancer thing has turned into a full time job.

Today I received a long e-mail from Kelly, my Endocrinologist's Physician's Assistant (the girl I see every time I go, instead of the doc). She's so wonderful! She wears an insulin pump like me. She did some research and wrote out a detailed description of how my diabetes will be handled in the hospital, before, during and after surgery. She's very positive, upbeat, and encouraging. She thinks I'll do great.

It is such a relief to have everything in motion now. I can start the countdown, make my many "to-do lists", get strong, work out, dance alot, get things in order at home. I just ordered the book, "Why I wore red lipstick to my mastectomy". I plan on buying some pretty pajamas for the hospital. I'm getting my hair colored and highlighted the day before my surgery, by Celina, (since I won't be able to wash it for a week afterwards). I'm collecting cute tops that button up the front since I won't be able to raise my arms for a while, yet I still want to look nice. I'm taking my herbs and supplements, cooking and freezing meals, and eating healthy.

I truly feel that I'm in very good hands. My surgeons are excellent, highly skilled & experienced, kind, and compassionate. My nurses are thorough, caring and concerned. My support group ladies are fabulous, positive and encouraging. I feel very loved and empowered.

…and now, the countdown begins. 23 days….

Are you with me? :)

Love,
Rhonda

March 23rd. Breast cancer humor.

2010-06-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

If I choose implants for my reconstruction, is THIS what I'll look like in 30 years????

Sunday March 14th. A little anger never hurt anybody.

2010-06-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

Okay...NOW I am angry!!!!

And what provoked this anger? Reading this status update from "Naked", a breast cancer survivor:

"Major recovery breakthrough this morning: I was able to complete full series of sun salutations in yoga! My upper body strength is finally returning. It's moments like this that make surviving breast cancer so glorious. Namaste"

What about that made me angry? It made me realize that I have been taking dancing for granted. Because soon I will have to fight to get it back. The simple ability to raise my arms for a multiple spin, will soon become a painful struggle to regain.

Dancing is my heart of hearts. My soul. My deepest and loudest form of self expression, and joy. And soon, it will be going away. But only temporarily.

Yet ... it might as well be forever. A day without dancing is a day wasted. How DARE this breast cancer make me go even one day without dance! It has no right! Even though I know it's only temporary, that I will regain my strength and come back to the dance floor stronger and better than ever, F*#@K this damn cancer for interrupting my goals and dreams! I have a US Open routine to learn, and a country solo routine to create! Damn you for getting in the way of my dreams!!!

Perhaps it was, like many other life lessons, something the universe needed to teach me in real time... true, honest appreciation for my joy. Maybe this new found gratitude will inspire an even greater sense of joy, more profound than I could have ever felt before.

Perhaps that will be my glorious victory. Just watch out, breast cancer. You don't know what you're messing with.

Wed. March 10th - Reconstruction thoughts.

2010-06-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

We saw the plastic surgeon today, first time. But still no definitive answers or decisions made. We're leaning towards implants vs. tissue transfer, but there are SO many factors still to consider. The doctor asked for another week to research my case further and talk to other surgeons. We go back next Tuesday and hopefully will make a decision then. Meanwhile he says the surgery will likely be 4-6 weeks from now. That means... yep... I get to go to LAPD!!!!!! Music to my ears.

Tuesday March 9th - Trying to process it all.

2010-06-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

Even though it seems that my life has turned upside down in the last 4 weeks (it was 4 weeks ago yesterday when I had the drop of blood and went to the doc the next day), I am doing okay. I've turned my focus to studying and researching everything I can get my hands on, talking to survivors, going to support groups, getting 2nd opinions. I'm 99% sure I'm going for the bi-lateral mastectomy, with immediate reconstruction which my surgeon recommended. This Wednesday I see the plastic surgeon and then will have many more decisions to make (implants or tissue transfer).After that appointment tomorrow, I should have a better idea of when my surgery will be ... or maybe an actual date.

Some of you have commented that this BLM decision seems extreme for my "99% treatable" cancer. I would've agreed with you a couple of weeks ago. But after alot of research and soul searching, I know in my heart this is the right thing to do. Many many factors are considered in a life-changing decision such as this. The cancer was found in two separate areas in my right breast; one close to the nipple, and one in the back. The left breast's benign papilloma has a risk of developing into cancer, if not soon, possibly in the future. Then there's my family history. I want to avoid radiation if possible. Symmetry is down low on the list of priorities; nevertheless, it is an issue.

I've been focusing more than ever on the spirit of gratitude in the last couple of years. It has improved my life tremendously. My sense of appreciation for every single day God has given me has permeated my daily thoughts and actions. This change in my life has affected the way I'm reacting to this cancer diagnosis, I think, making it somehow easier to bear. I'm so glad I started this transformation well before I was diagnosed, so it could become embedded in my spirit, giving me the strength to cope. I have so much to be thankful for. I keep reading and hearing about women who go through stages of grief, when they're first diagnosed, the first two being denial and anger. For some reason, I had neither. Sadness and grief, yes, fear, you betcha... but not anger. I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle.

I am told that the stages of grief can take many forms, and vary in order. Perhaps the anger and denial will come later.

Yet it all still seems so unreal to me. Like it's all a theory. I keep thinking I'll wake up tomorrow morning and it'll all have been a nightmare. I don't feel sick, yet I have this serious disease. I feel fine. It's so weird.And yet I know that a few weeks from now it will become the reality that every woman dreads. I'm scared, damn right I'm scared! I feel a strong need to delve into the details of every aspect of the surgery and recovery, asking survivors how they felt when they woke up, how long it took before they could look in the mirror, etc. ...thinking that if I can be made aware of every remote possibility, I'll be able to get a grasp when the time comes. Am I a control freak? Don't know and don't care... I simply am trusting my natural instincts, and listening to my heart.

At some point, I know I will have to let go, and trust. When the time comes, that is what I will do. But not yet!

I cannot say it enough... my husband is my rock... I couldn't do this without his love and support. I am so lucky to have him by my side through all of this; every appointment, every decision. He's been there through my tears of grief and fear, he's witnessed my realizations, listened to me read aloud excerpts from books and e-mails, and taken good care of me after all my biopsies. I'm sure he's going through his own personal hell with this, having lost his mother 5 years ago to lung cancer.

I know that some women who are diagnosed with breast cancer choose not to share it with the world like I did... and I totally respect that. Everyone is different in that regard. I just feel compelled to tell my story. Maybe it will help someone someday. I hope it will encourage all women reading this to get their screenings. I never ever thought this could happen to me. Cancer is what happens to others. I live a healthy lifestyle -- I never drank, smoked, or did drugs. I've always eaten well, taken vitamins, (yes, Vitamin D!), exercised, and taken care of my health. I breastfed all three of my children for 2 and 3 years each, and followed that by raising them on whole, natural foods. We used brown rice, whole grain breads & pastas, and, when we could afford it, organic chicken & proteins. We used Dr. Bronner's instead of chemical-laden cleaning products. Mrs. Gooch's was my 2nd home (now Whole Foods Markets). My kids were 3 years old before they ever had their first taste of refined sugar. We did everything right!

I will follow up tomorrow night with an update after my appointment with the plastic surgeon. I promise that update will be alot shorter! Thanks for your listening ear... for your love and support... just for being there and letting me share my story.

Love,
Rhonda

Thursday March 4th, Today I saw the surgeon.

2010-06-19T22:49:00.001-07:00

Armed with a video camera and an extensive list of questions, prepared to cover every possible angle, and concerned that he wouldn't have enough time to give me for all of that, I came out of there with an unexpected calm. He spent over an hour with us, covering almost every question I had brought with me before I even had a chance to ask any. He himself is also an Ashkenazi Jew, and both his mother and mother-in-law had breast cancer. The majority of his surgeries are for breast cancer. He also had no problem whatsoever with my desire for a 2nd opinion.

With almost every fact he presented, he reiterated that he did not want to force me into any decision, or to rush into anything; and that it was totally 100% up to me.

My tumor is "high grade" and over 2 cm. in size. Because of my young age, family history, and other factors, (including the high risk papilloma on the left side), he recommended a double mastectomy.

I see a plastic surgeon either tomorrow (3/5) or Monday (3/8) for a consultation, and am leaning toward reconstruction with tissue flap. The recovery time is longer (4-6 weeks) with this choice. I definitely want reconstruction, one way or another.

Paul and I felt very much at ease with this surgeon. He reassured us that he uses only the newest and most advanced techniques, including skin-saving. At the end of our meeting with Dr. Schiff today, he told us that he would choose this route for HIS own mother. Golden.

I'm still somewhat in shock, but writing this helps. I keep hearing from people, "don't rush into anything". But if I'm certain of my decision, then why not. I know I still have a lot of processing to do on this.

Even though there's no big rush, when I asked what was the soonest, he said the surgery could possibly be done next Fri., 3/12. NOT that I'm choosing that. But I tell you, it sure is tempting to think about having it over with. No time for a 2nd opinion, though. But after seeing Dr. Schiff today, I feel the only reason I'd want a 2nd opinion is just to be that much more informed and get another perspective. I feel very good about having him as my surgeon.

More updates soon. Love you all.
Rhonda

Friday, February 26, 2010

2010-06-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

The results this morning were the same as 3 days ago. They found a 2nd lesion in the right breast with DCIS. So now there are two areas of cancer. Apparently they're both in the same quadrant of the breast, one at 10:00 and one at 11:00. Technically this means that lumpectomy is still a consideration. My gut feeling is that it's not. But I won't know anything for sure until I see a surgeon. My first appointment is next Thursday, March 4th, with Dr. Gerald Schiff, at the Association of South Bay Surgeons in Torrance.

The good news is, neither lesion is inflammatory, or has gone outside the ducts. They're both "stage 0". When the nurse said it's 99% treatable, I replied, "No for me it's going to be 100% treatable." I also asked her if she thought I would ever have to have chemo. She said she couldn't answer that... yet... but didn't think so. That has to be my worst fear, chemo.

But alas I am getting ahead of myself. One thing at a time, right?

She also told me that they already checked the lymph nodes, and saw no involvement. Not sure if they do the SLNM (Sentinal lymph Node Mapping) during the surgery, or not.

The Tumor Board meets next Thursday at 7am, to discuss my case, and my appt with the surgeon is that same day, which is good. She said a rough guess would be that my surgery could be 2-3 weeks after that appt. If it's 3 weeks, that's right before Paul goes back to work, and right before my next DJDK dance. I might have to cancel it, unless I can delegate all the work out to volunteers. I'm bummed that Paul has to go back to work on 3/29. He's been sooo amazing through this. I don't know what I'll do without him during my recovery. Guess I'll cross that bridge...

So many things going through my head. Do I get a 2nd opinion? Will that just delay my treatment? So far I have been quite impressed with my medical team. But who really knows if they're doing everything possible? So many decisions to be made regarding the type of surgery that is best. I have books to read, websites to visit, people to talk to, doctors to meet, support group meetings to attend.

To those of you who have read all this, thanks for coming along with me on this journey thus far. You are more loved and appreciated than you know.

Love,R

Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 9:35pm Courage, Diamond Style.

2010-06-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

I must apologize for the scatteredness of this blog. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place right now.

It all started on Feb. 8th when I saw some bleeding from my right nipple. And I had just had a mammogram 5 months earlier -- free and clear. So I went to the doctor the next day and he ordered tests... and... and... and...

...the diagnosis on Tuesday (2/23) was DCIS -- Ductal Carcinoma In Situ -- breast cancer that is only in the ducts, in my right breast. ("In Situ means "in place".) In my left breast, there were two suspicious areas they biopsied. One is benign, and the other is a papilloma, which is benign. But they want to remove the papilloma anyway, because it can potentially turn into cancer in the future, since they will already be doing surgery on my right breast.

Yesterday I had another biopsy (a 3rd) -- this time an MRI-guided biopsy -- on my right breast. They had seen something on my MRI last week, deeper in toward the chest wall, that couldn't be seen on an ultrasound biopsy. Depending on what they find there, I will either have a lumpectomy on each (with radiation on one breast) or a mastectomy. We'll know more after Friday (tomorrow) when we get the results from yesterday's biopsy...(which, btw, was tough).

My sister had breast cancer... 13 years ago when she was 59. She is doing fine today. My paternal grandmother also had it, at age 59, a very long time ago. She passed away when I was 5.

There are the facts. And then there are the feelings. I have so much under the surface I wish I could express... in my quiet moments... thoughts... of my life and where it's headed.... I'm different now, forever, and I have to try to accept this... I feel my breasts on my body, cradle them in my arms, thinking of how they are the 'nurturing' part of my womanhood... how can I lose them? They fed my precious babies. It breaks my heart!

Yet as a mother, my next thought goes to, 'what do my now grown kids need most?'... they need their mom, alive and happy for as long as they can have her. After all, nobody in the world loves you like your mom. I want that for them. And I have so much to live for. So if I have to give up these beautiful (yes, beautiful!) breasts that nurtured my babies so long ago, I will do it gladly... so I can survive.

The other day I realized something. My grandmother, my mom's mom, Minnie, who passed long ago, somehow saved my life. It took me 11 days to realize this. I was thinking about how this all started, a week ago Monday when I first saw the bleeding from my nipple. It was Feb. 8th. Then it occurred to me that was the anniversary of my grandmother Minnie's death - Feb. 8, 1984. I was at the hospital right after she passed... then found out a few days later that I was pregnant with Melanie. I named her after my boby Minnie; we've always had a special bond.

Looking back, I feel as though my grandmother was trying to send me a message that day, the anniversary of her death, through my bleeding breast. If that hadn't happened, I wouldn't have gone to the doctor. I believe she saved my life.

Jan Kain called me and was all excited about the new TV show, "Flash Forward" coming to her San Pedro studio (where I work) on Friday night to film a car crash scene out front. They're paying her some good money which she's putting towards her new floor! Yay! I told her she can help me get strong and train my body after I recover from these biopsies.(She's really good at that.) I want to do Pilates every day and whatever else I can do before my surgery, to get strong muscles and stamina so I'll recover quicker.

I have moments of feeling encouraged, that armed with the love and support from my family and friends, I can tackle this head on and be victorious. Then I have moments of, "can I do this?", after reading some of the literature they gave me. So overwhelming. So many decisions to be made. So much research to do.

Tonight I am scared. Tomorrow morning at 9am I get the results from yesterday's biopsy. I need prayers! Not for the results, I mean, it is what it is... and we'll deal with it... the prayers are mostly for me to have the strength to fight this.

Thanks to Connie for this quote... seems perfect right about now...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Love & light,
Rhonda